Where I Was.

I've gone back and forth all day on whether to write this post. I have to be honest. I was really young... and naive...and I just didn't realize the impact such a tragic event would have in the moments it was happening. I was 18, barely, and about two weeks into my Freshman year of college....in Washington, DC.

I woke up to my phone ringing- and my roommate annoyed (she preferred no noise be made prior to 11am). I answered because it was my best friend from high school and it was really early. She frantically asked "Are you ok? The mall is on fire." The mall? I had only been in DC for two weeks and the idea of the mall being on fire still brought images of retail stores to mind. "What?" She quickly explained and told me to turn on my TV. We did- as best we could- it was on old TV that needed to be on for about ten minutes before it would actually show a picture- so we ran down to the common room where we collided with the entire girls' soccer team who had been brought off the field and into the closest building- along with a whole bunch of people who were ushered in as 8am classes were just ending. I remember people yelling that the phones were tied up and nobody could get through and they needed to check on people...

I still wasn't processing this all too well- and I just kept thinking I needed to get ready for my class. At this point I still hadn't really put together that this was affecting people. It all seemed pretty surreal. It took a little longer for me to remember that my dad sometimes worked from the World Trade Center, that my uncle worked there EVERYDAY and that we were just a few miles from the White House and Pentagon. This all hit me like a ton of bricks when my phone rang and I heard the voice of my panicked father- a voice that remains distinct and clear in my memory until today because it was my wake up call on Sept. 11th. He quickly assured me my uncle was fine- he had been running late to work and walked up the stairs from the subway just as everyone was running towards him (the very thought gives me chills) and that everyone else was fine. He insisted I stay inside and not go anywhere- as we didn't know what was happening next. Next? I had class- that was what was happening next. Yes, my mind was still very much 18 years old. Looking back on my thoughts and emotions (or lack thereof) on that day- I can say I am somewhat embarrassed. Ten years later- I can't imagine the shock it would have for me to see those images replayed. But today- I didn't turn on the TV. The few glimpses I had of the ceremonies was during my run on the treadmill at the gym. I don't have the words to explain to my three year old what I was afraid he would see on the TV. I very much wanted to live in my world of Disney Jr. today.

When did it all really catch up with me? The day after, my University announced that it would close during the following week for four days. It was expected many students would return home for the long weekend. My parents and I decided I would take the train home. As a parent now, I can only imagine their emotions having just sent their daughter away to school- and two weeks into the year these are the concerns they have. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the guts to send my kid back! Regardless, I traveled home by train- to Long Island. THAT is when it hit me harder. Driving home from the airport patriotic banners and American flags hung from the overpasses along the highway. It felt like EVERY SINGLE HOUSE displayed an American flag. It was noticeable to the point that it took your breath away. I grew up not too far outside the city- numerous people from my town were killed in the attacks. It was not until stepping foot back in my hometown that I began to realize the devastation of that day. It stuck with me- because when I returned to campus, we now had armed guards standing on the corners. It didn't last forever, but long enough to know we all had a different mindset now.

Now, my worldview has matured. I live outside my own head more. I wanted to write this because I have never really felt the need to tell anyone where I was on September 11th. I've never put it into words. I don't know if at the time I was too immature to understand it's impact- too egocentric to grasp the reality it was for so many. Today, I can grasp that we live in an unpredictable world- a fallen world with fallen people. But I can also grasp that God is GREATER than all the evil that exists- and His ways can bring about beautiful things even in the face of tragedy.