This morning I woke up and just like every morning for the last four months I checked my email in hopes of a court date. However, unlike every other day that I have not found one...I couldn't go about the day as if we are not waiting for something HUGE. I cried...and my little man saw me. "Mommy, why do you look like that?" I tried to ignore his question....but then he asked, "Why are you sad?" Oh, it is so hard to hide it all from them...and in that moment I thought- why should I? I simply said, "Well, you know how your three brothers are in Africa...." and he finished for me "and it's taking a REALLY LONG time for them to get home!!" And so I simply explained, "Well, when we waited for you sometimes it was hard...and if you weren't here with me right now I would be SO sad...and that's why I am sad right now." He seemed to accept that and said, "What else makes you sad mommy?"
Right now- there are a lot of things that make me sad...I am sad with myself for the doubting I find myself doing...and for all the easy answers that I give. If you are my friend- you should know- none of this is easy and none of it is matter-of-fact. If I said I was going to be somewhere- and you didn't see me there- it's probably because I wanted to hide for the day...just being honest (I'm sure you can all relate to this feeling at some point in your own life). I LOVE adoption...and because God LOVES adoption more than me...I know our story will have a complete and happy ending- what makes me sad is that I don't know WHEN that will happen and my flesh loves nothing more than to doubt it will happen. I'm human- and I want to know things for certain....I'm a planner and I would like nothing more than to take a Sharpie marker to my calendar and start marking off the days I will be in Ethiopia. I'm sad that children who are already orphaned have to wait this long for a home....I'm sad that agencies and we, as advocates, can't seem to do enough to eradicate the need for a waiting child list. This is what breaks my heart lately- that we even have to use the term waiting child-I can't go down that road again- but I will say once more- can you imagine being that child and wondering why nobody is coming? I am so grateful that God laid the waiting children on our heart- and for that I would never change a moment of this complicated adoption case we find laid out before us. Isn't it amazing that God can work miracles that put their picture in front of this mommy? No adoption is easy...how can something born out of trauma (which is at the root of EVERY adoption) be easy? Today I cling to what I KNOW even in my doubt....God is bigger than all of it...His plans are bigger...I'm sure He would be okay with the few tears that escaped my eyes today- I'm sure He has cried a few of his own over these children....they are His too.
