When normalcy returns...

But the questions begin...and the doubt remains

These past two weeks have been filled with questions...and statements...and glances...and the occasional fearful eyes. Our boys look like any other three kids, sound like any other three kids, fit in like any other three kids. Oh yes, they still have very obvious Ethiopian accents...but English is coming- faster for some than others. We have braved Target twice this week for random items and I have not trembled with fear at the thought of what seeing that much stuff in one place might cause someone to do. Although someone did ask quite loudly if it was okay to eat cotton balls. Normal life is returning...

But normal life does not mean there aren't questions and doubts..."We all Mommy's children?" "I no from your tummy." "We're going back???" Little things that have been misinterpreted and someone is suddenly struck with fear that they are going back to Ethiopia. The realization we are different colors...maternity pictures...baby pictures of Little Man and Little Miss...all of it stirs emotions- raises eyebrows.

My response has been honesty.

Obviously when it comes to color- well- its obvious.
"I want to look like you mommy."
"Oh honey, your skin is such a beautiful brown and I love it so much. Families don't have to look the same...we are still a family."

"Mommy only has two children."
"I have five children, you're right if you are saying you didn't come from my tummy. But you are still my child."

We acknowledge that their birthmother is who gave birth to them... I reassure them that it is okay to have two mommies (birth and adoptive)...that God has plans for our lives and above everything else He is our heavenly father who never forgets about us. I tell them how we came up with their middle names (we kept their ET first names) and remind them we chose each one just for them.

"We're not brothers and sisters."
"You are, in adoption and isn't that the coolest thing ever."
And we role play, and reassure....and then I see it click- and from the kitchen window I see a big brother take Little Miss and gently lift her onto the swing and push her. Giggles fill the backyard...and I continue sweeping the kitchen as if nothing miraculous has occurred.

This is adoption. Where transition seems to end...normal life resumes...the hurt remains...and the healing continues. 

What we did to prepare our home for +3....and what we did while they were sleeping...

In our case, preparing for +3 actually meant moving. For us it was a matter of gender separation for sleeping...as well as room for moving/playing/breathing during the day. We were already tight as a family of four (I know, I know, American materialism) so we knew adding three more might send mommy mentally over the edge. So we moved to a bigger home that allowed the older two boys to share, the little boys to share, and the princess to have her own room. It doesn't HAVE to be this way...it's just what we chose to do.

I often joke with other adoptive mom friends that this is the post nobody writes- how do you prepare your house? So we started with bare rooms (because we had moved). We kept everything as bare as possible...beds, 1 dresser in the big boys room and a couple of baskets in their closet, and 2 rubbermaid drawer sets in the little boys closet for clothes. In reality, our 4 year old wasn't ready for that many clothes. We quickly discovered it was best to put his clothes in our room and provide him one outfit a day. We did that for two weeks and then for two weeks we allowed him to pick his outfit, and then we gradually allowed him to choose two outfits (saving one for the next day in his closet) and eventually moved his clothing back to his room at about two months home. The little boys had NO toys in their room and while they were sleeping one night we removed all the books- as this turned out to be best for our youngest adopted. Our big boys have 2 toy building sets in their room. We kept the walls pretty bare...we added curtains at their request to keep the sun out. In terms of clothing. We provided each child with one drawer of clothing...roughly 5 pairs of shorts and 10 shirts. They share a drawer split down the middle for underwear. They each came home to two pairs of shoes, 1 sandals and 1 slip-ons and we took them out to purchase one pair of sneakers.

Toys toys toys. In our house, they were everywhere. Even though we THOUGHT we had cleaned out a lot- we found it best to remove A LOT of them to the garage one night while they were sleeping. It was WAY too much for what they were used to. We have gradually moved some back in...sometimes allowing them to pick one to bring in and take care of for a week. We found this really taught them how to value possessions and more importantly, how to play with toys. We really found they did not know how to use many of the toys we had. I am convinced toys build upon each other...so therefore if you never had stacking blocks as a six month old- it's unlikely legos make any sense to you. One toy at a time helped them understand the toy, become imaginative, and enjoy it.

I dislike TV. My children do watch it. We chose to have one TV available for watching during certain times of the day. Typically one show in the morning and a movie while our youngest naps in the afternoon (and downtime for mom). We limit TV to these times and this works well for our children.

Food. We allowed 2 days of adjustment...meaning on the first morning home- popcorn and hamburger rolls are what they ate by their choice. We also allowed 2 days of understanding food would be readily available- meaning we did not say no (in reason) to snacks of fruit. After 2 days we set up a food schedule and "this is no" was not acceptable. You eat what you get. In answer to the question "Banana?" I often respond "do you see bananas on the table?" If it isn't on the table, it isn't an option. This was as much for my sanity as anything. But I do feel the 2 days helped cement the idea- there's enough food now. I am always careful to remember where they are coming from...but always very aware of the slippery slope we will head down if compromise becomes an option. I'd also say...no free reign of the pantry helped us...only mom and dad have access to it in our house.

School. Oh, the debate. You will know. That is all I am going to say.

Cocooning. We didn't but we also didn't go to others' homes or play with very many friends for about 2 months. We would go to the beach, come home. We kept our own little circle but explored public places. Our middle child didn't go to a food store for 2.5 months- our youngest still hasn't. Our oldest has gone food shopping with me on several occasions. You will know. It's also a decision that you can change. If you go out three days and its tragic...stay home three days. We STILL, three months later, sometimes take 2 days to stay home after a very busy week or just because I can tell they need it. It's a lot to take in...America is a pretty crazy place.

Hopefully someone out there finds this helpful! There's no set method as I have learned...just doing what seems right for your children and tweaking the plan as you go along!

If you asked me about adoption...

Our boys have been home almost three months. It seems longer and shorter at the same time. When I repeat the same sentence three times and still get blank stares....it seems shorter. When I see them throw on their shinguards, cleats, and grab their water bottle heading off to a soccer match....it feels longer. So much has changed since they came home....so much is still in transition...so many questions are still unanswered...and so many hearts are still healing.

If we happened to sit down over coffee and chat about adoption...this is what I would tell you.

If you said..Oh, I thought you always wanted to adopt....

No. Don't get me wrong- we had talked about it. The same way you talk about things you might do in the future. Then it got talked about more...then we learned about Ethiopia...and the children...and the waiting children...and then our boys.

If you asked me would I do it again?

This is a tricky question. Something you wouldn't ask a woman as she was being discharged from the hospital post-delivery. As or right now- my heart is very content. Adjusting to five children, meeting all their needs, reaching their hearts on a daily basis...my hands are full and my heart is at peace. Sometimes it wanders to the very many children still waiting...knowing my boys waited for two years and others continue to do so... adoption is a major and life-altering process for all involved- the ethics of each case, the adjustment, the finances....oh it is so worth it...but all of those pieces need to be carefully considered- especially the ethics. What I would say is- there are VERY many ways to get involved in programs, sponsorship programs, etc. that REALLY TRULY help the children of third-world countries- and for now that is something we will continue to seek to be a part of.

If you happened to tell me you have thought about adoption..

I would believe you...and ask you questions. I would assume you have really thought about it- maybe even knew through which country you would enter the process. I might even assume you have prayed about it- and God told you it wasn't for you....or maybe He said it was...

If you happened to tell me you have thought about adopting in ten years...and a baby.

I would honestly without hesitation tell you that there are children waiting now...I would tell you that when you request a baby- in regards to ET adoption- you are likely entering a list at 100+ and waiting for a baby to be born...while other children wait. I am not shy about this anymore. I DO believe we need SOME families waiting for infants...but only for the infants that are available. This may not be what you want to hear...and so then I will say, I'm sorry. This is what I feel strongly about...and I'm sure there are things you feel strongly about...those whose hearts God has softened to the orphan are so needed...

If you happened to tell me you would adopt but you don't have patience...

Oh girl...tell me about it....neither do I. I have a temper...I am impatient...but I have God....and forgiving children.

If you happened to tell me you would adopt but you don't want to disrupt your biological childrens' lives...

I would say...you will...you will disrupt their lives...because they are used to ALL the attention...eating waffles for dinner because they don't like red sauce...getting to choose ALL the books at storytime...choosing which TV show to watch....ok so, your kid's gonna learn to share, eat what you cooked, learn compromise....all good things to master before entering the workforce. Your bio kids are gonna learn the world doesn't revolve around them....and another child is going to have a mother to tuck them in at night- and eat more than one meal a day. 

If you happened to say...I would adopt but my husband doesn't want to...

I would say pray. 

Please know I am not seeking to offend anyone and please understand I know there ARE infants that NEED families...but three months on the other side- three months of watching my children heal...I'm wishing I had gone to coffee with me two years ago...