The Girlfriend's Guide to More than Doubling your Children...

So, as you can imagine, we get asked A LOT "How's it going?" Well, for the first few months- the answer you were likely to get from us was...."Good! But five kids is a lot"....and I'm sure if you asked and received that answer you probably wanted to say..."No duh." And no duh is a perfectly reasonable answer....I mean we KNEW five kids was going to be a lot...it just wasn't ENOUGH of a reason for us to NOT say YES. So, we dove in and figured we'd figure out the whole five kid thing as we went. And really- that is pretty much the only way you can do it because...it's kind of hard to imagine.

So four months or so in...I'm going to give you some things that have worked for us. Who knows- maybe someone out there is looking for a heads up on sibling set adoption. But....really...these are the reasons I'm still smiling. I may have lost my diva status and wear less makeup than ever...but I'm a pretty spoiled momma to some pretty great kids.

1. We have rules...and high expectations of behavior....and don't dare budge a single inch. And by rules I mean...WE tell them when they eat, sleep...breathe play ( and maybe even what they play). Five kids is kind of like a permanent play date...but girlfriend- they will claim all day "I play by myself" and then in the next breath take you down as a troop if you don't stand firm. We are NOT afraid to revoke rights to any enjoyable form of entertainment (Wii, TV, soccer, etc.) and we have done so....and I've literally "turned this car right around".

2. I know what I am cooking tonight as well as every night until the 30th of the month. There is no winging it at 5pm because you don't need SOME ground beef you need THREE POUNDS of it. And no matter what it is...they eat it (and not always because they love it). There are rarely leftovers in this house...but when there are NOTHING goes to waste.

3. Monday is library day, Tuesday co-op and soccer, Wednesdsay preschool and Awanas....for me and my clan it's a schedule...maybe some of you veteran moms are better at mixing it up...I need to know the plan for the day (and approximately what time of day the incessant questions will cease). It really puts the whole infamous "What can we do today?" to rest.

4. I grocery shop as infrequently as possible...and with the least number of children possible. I pull in the driveway and have four strong boys ready to unload it for me. Re-visit #2 for the how. As far as my grocery bill...its a work in progress- that's been a little bit of trial and error so I'll report on that in the near future.

5. I take time to myself...and when that is not possible I visit my stash of adult beverages.

6. I give my kids individual attention once a month. It's not easy....but at one point they were not all siblings...and they still crave that individuality at times.

7. I do NOT allow my children in the pantry...there is no free reign of snacks (they are served twice daily). This is actually a non-issue because my children are not allowed access to my kitchen except when called for meals...I'm not mean, I just need space to cook for my army and heck- the house is plenty big I am certainly not depriving them of valuable square footage.

8. I confess I sometimes ban talking in the car so I can listen to my Jesus music when I'm thisclose to my breaking point.

9. I don't do laundry everyday..."sorry, that Batman shirt you wore YESTERDAY is STILL dirty"...washing machine lessons are by appointment only (as in available 24 hrs a day) if you are volunteering your services. And when I do do laundry....guess who puts it away? Not this mom =) In my opinion, I'm grooming some awesome husbands.

10. I do not pick up toys. IF I am forced to clean up toys...I do so with a white trash bag in hand. We have a clean-up captain who is responsible for ensuring all is in order and then summons me for an inspection...if the playroom and adjacent rooms are in order (no strewn toys) that person is awarded with a starburst and chooses the captain for the next day.

11. I have five extremely capable children who help deep clean the house twice a month...yes, they vacuum, dust, clean base boards etc...and we have fun doing it. In between I clean up between meals and try to run the dishwasher daily. No food leaves the kitchen which means vacuuming can be done weekly.

12. There is no other option but to go to bed....if you make me miserable during the nighttime hours, I reserve the right to make your daytime hours non-enjoyable as well.

13. There is an order to the bedtime routine. Line up for vitamin, brush teeth, report to little boys room for story, use the bathroom in an orderly fashion and I'll meet you in your bed for a good night kiss. Lights out- see you AFTER dawn.

14. I reserve the right to limit you to two questions per car ride...folks- that's ten questions- I deem it more than fair.

15. I am honest about what I will need/expect from them for an outing to be successful. It is a team effort- and unfortunately if one person chooses NOT to be part of that team, the team will pay the consequences. Generally the older two boys are each assigned a younger boy to be responsible for and I am on toddler duty...this works phenomenally...thank you Michelle Duggar for that tip.

16. We have a TON of fun...we are goofy, we laugh, sing, dance...and the reason we do so is because when Mommy is happy....we are ALL happier!!

And that my friends, is why I am still standing...at least until 9pm when I collapse into bed with a huge slice of chocolate cake and deem my workout the four hours I spent chasing children around the soccer field. It may all sound a little Brady-bunch but when you got a bunch you gotta do what works for YOU. If I have learned anything its that my sanity is worth it- and the kids will probably agree. I'm a bit spoiled because I have an extra set of hands a few hours a week to help with homeschooling and doctors/random appointments... Dad works some crazy hours and is not available to assist with daytime kid duty- so we made that choice so as to allow my hair to gray in due time...and not before I turn 30 =) It does not mean I'm sprinting around town kid-free....just occasionally down 1, 2, maybe 3...amazing how that simplifies things when you get used to 5 in tow!

It's not all waffles with ice cream for breakfast...

Well, it is always waffles...but they're certainly not topped with ice cream...for that matter- everyone gets a rationed three squirts of syrup...and I'd suggest you don't ask for more.

It occurred to me last week, that perhaps my Facebook wall was not an accurate documentation of our transition/adjustment/new normal- call it what you may. The smiles are all real that's for sure- but in documenting our first trip to the beach, vacation, bowling, swimming, biking, museum visits, first day of preschool, and birthdays...I may have led you to inaccurately believe that our children are always smiling....

They are...80% of the time.

They still hurt...still question...

I would be remiss to not tell you...tonight was a night that I found myself absolutely humbled by the sovereignty, healing, and grace of God. That when my children are hurting- He overflows me with love and compassion. That when my children have questions and doubts- He gives me the words.  That when my children are sad- He offers the perfect comfort and I can cry with them. That when my children are happy- He softens the demands of the world and gives me the ease to laugh.

I take refuge in the assurance God gave that these were our children- thus, He would provide all I would need to care for them. And all the forgiveness I would need for the mistakes I would make along the way. God gives me the strength to parent intentionally...to focus on my children...focus on my marriage...focus on Him...and in doing so, He FREES me from the burden of feeling life is out of control, feeling overwhelmed, worrying...He gives me the ability to laugh at the food bill, creativity to meet the power struggles, strength to remind the offender ONCE more to pick up his shoes....oh, and don't get me started on the smell of the bathroom...thank GOD for Bath and Body Works air fresheners!

We actually eat very little ice cream...well the kids eat very little ice cream...(we hide the bowls before the breakfast rush.) We have a pretty structured schedule...the consequences can be harsh...we parent all five children fairly and ask God to give us the wisdom to remember the circumstances from which they came...

Tonight someone made the comment to me "What an awesome family"...to which I responded, "I think so too!"...God stitches families together...and His work is always awesome. 

Where we have been, Where we are now, and Where we are going...

There are so many unknowns with adoption. Personality, demeanor, behavior, education, emotionally, physically....even if you never thought about it before stepping onto the plane...you have been granted the luxury of 20 hours of traveling to envision the child(ren) that is waiting for you on the other side. In adopting three siblings- we tripled our cluelessness. But four months into our "new" normal...we will never forget where we have been, where we are now....and we continue to dream of where we are going!

Where we have been....
Our three boys were never...not for a moment...shy or quiet. They are full of life...funny...ACTIVE...and ALL boy. Coming home, they knew very little English. I really have to dig back in my memory to recall this...but yes, I do remember the blank stares I got ALL day for the first six weeks. (Nobody is lying to you...I promise...something weird happens around six weeks and you start to forget you are living with people who don't speak your language- no, they may not be speaking English but some weird 24/7 Pictionary game has become the norm.) Our boys had very little, if any, formal schooling before coming home. This meant, we worked everyday (7 days a week at first to help them build a structured and dependable day) in our school room...we started with colors, shapes, letters, and counting. Our children attempted bicycle riding with training wheels for the first time the day after we got home...they were overwhelmed by our play room...did not know what to do at a park...struggled to sit in the car for five minutes without asking "how many red/yellow/green?" (What? You don't have that gps function yet?) They had never step foot in more than a foot of water and clung to us in our backyard pool. They were hesitant meeting new people (outside the family circle) and (2 out of 3) thought this America food was "this is no".

Where we are now...
Our boys are STILL not shy or quiet...in fact, if possible they have come out of their shells even more. They exude an endless joy...which on the flip side is also a very passionate opinion. They consider themselves quite the English speakers- they are not- but it's coming along quite nicely! They have mastered colors, shapes, numbers, some basic addition, and get this- the Pledge of Allegiance! We just finished our first chapter book (I read it to them) and they can tell you the basic plot line (this was an awesome experience!) They participate in devotional time, have started their reading and math curriculum...can now sit for 2+ hours of school time- we are now able to take weekends off because they can handle the schedule disruption. In fact, today being Labor Day, they were shocked but handled the news very well that we would not be going to the library (we go every Monday) because it was closed for the holiday. They can spend an hour at a park in uninterrupted play. THEY ALL RIDE TWO-WHEELERS....we even have one skateboarder...and they can all swim underwater (even Little Man has gotten used to putting his face under!) They all play on soccer teams...they have eaten out, tried many new foods, and after some battles mommy and daddy were sure to win...eat what they are given every night. They sleep about 10 hours a night and go to bed without a single complaint. They have figured out I do NOT know the traffic light layout in our city so they now opt to ask "how many minutes?" Hey- I take all the progress I can get! These last two weeks we have been working through some heart struggles. We have been role playing, reassuring, and offering a script for how to handle some of the emotions they are experiencing. Believe me, I have nothing to complain about...we are dealing with very normal and very expected scenarios...90% of the time I am amazed by how well they are able to handle the situations they encounter...they are children who have undergone a HUGE transition...they still and I imagine for quite some time will need mommy's reassurance.

Where we are going...
Oh I can only dream of where we will be in a year. I honestly can't imagine...I can't even grasp how far we have come in four months. These are truly three different kids than the kids we brought home four months ago. They are amazing...they are SO SO funny...they are healing...and I pray and have faith God will continue to heal them. Our major goal for homeschool is to have two readers by the end of the school year! At that point I have promised myself a cruise (unrealistic?) I imagine they will have come a long way in their school work...their social circles will include non-siblings...and please Lord...they will be able to tell time! 

When normalcy returns...

But the questions begin...and the doubt remains

These past two weeks have been filled with questions...and statements...and glances...and the occasional fearful eyes. Our boys look like any other three kids, sound like any other three kids, fit in like any other three kids. Oh yes, they still have very obvious Ethiopian accents...but English is coming- faster for some than others. We have braved Target twice this week for random items and I have not trembled with fear at the thought of what seeing that much stuff in one place might cause someone to do. Although someone did ask quite loudly if it was okay to eat cotton balls. Normal life is returning...

But normal life does not mean there aren't questions and doubts..."We all Mommy's children?" "I no from your tummy." "We're going back???" Little things that have been misinterpreted and someone is suddenly struck with fear that they are going back to Ethiopia. The realization we are different colors...maternity pictures...baby pictures of Little Man and Little Miss...all of it stirs emotions- raises eyebrows.

My response has been honesty.

Obviously when it comes to color- well- its obvious.
"I want to look like you mommy."
"Oh honey, your skin is such a beautiful brown and I love it so much. Families don't have to look the same...we are still a family."

"Mommy only has two children."
"I have five children, you're right if you are saying you didn't come from my tummy. But you are still my child."

We acknowledge that their birthmother is who gave birth to them... I reassure them that it is okay to have two mommies (birth and adoptive)...that God has plans for our lives and above everything else He is our heavenly father who never forgets about us. I tell them how we came up with their middle names (we kept their ET first names) and remind them we chose each one just for them.

"We're not brothers and sisters."
"You are, in adoption and isn't that the coolest thing ever."
And we role play, and reassure....and then I see it click- and from the kitchen window I see a big brother take Little Miss and gently lift her onto the swing and push her. Giggles fill the backyard...and I continue sweeping the kitchen as if nothing miraculous has occurred.

This is adoption. Where transition seems to end...normal life resumes...the hurt remains...and the healing continues. 

What we did to prepare our home for +3....and what we did while they were sleeping...

In our case, preparing for +3 actually meant moving. For us it was a matter of gender separation for sleeping...as well as room for moving/playing/breathing during the day. We were already tight as a family of four (I know, I know, American materialism) so we knew adding three more might send mommy mentally over the edge. So we moved to a bigger home that allowed the older two boys to share, the little boys to share, and the princess to have her own room. It doesn't HAVE to be this way...it's just what we chose to do.

I often joke with other adoptive mom friends that this is the post nobody writes- how do you prepare your house? So we started with bare rooms (because we had moved). We kept everything as bare as possible...beds, 1 dresser in the big boys room and a couple of baskets in their closet, and 2 rubbermaid drawer sets in the little boys closet for clothes. In reality, our 4 year old wasn't ready for that many clothes. We quickly discovered it was best to put his clothes in our room and provide him one outfit a day. We did that for two weeks and then for two weeks we allowed him to pick his outfit, and then we gradually allowed him to choose two outfits (saving one for the next day in his closet) and eventually moved his clothing back to his room at about two months home. The little boys had NO toys in their room and while they were sleeping one night we removed all the books- as this turned out to be best for our youngest adopted. Our big boys have 2 toy building sets in their room. We kept the walls pretty bare...we added curtains at their request to keep the sun out. In terms of clothing. We provided each child with one drawer of clothing...roughly 5 pairs of shorts and 10 shirts. They share a drawer split down the middle for underwear. They each came home to two pairs of shoes, 1 sandals and 1 slip-ons and we took them out to purchase one pair of sneakers.

Toys toys toys. In our house, they were everywhere. Even though we THOUGHT we had cleaned out a lot- we found it best to remove A LOT of them to the garage one night while they were sleeping. It was WAY too much for what they were used to. We have gradually moved some back in...sometimes allowing them to pick one to bring in and take care of for a week. We found this really taught them how to value possessions and more importantly, how to play with toys. We really found they did not know how to use many of the toys we had. I am convinced toys build upon each other...so therefore if you never had stacking blocks as a six month old- it's unlikely legos make any sense to you. One toy at a time helped them understand the toy, become imaginative, and enjoy it.

I dislike TV. My children do watch it. We chose to have one TV available for watching during certain times of the day. Typically one show in the morning and a movie while our youngest naps in the afternoon (and downtime for mom). We limit TV to these times and this works well for our children.

Food. We allowed 2 days of adjustment...meaning on the first morning home- popcorn and hamburger rolls are what they ate by their choice. We also allowed 2 days of understanding food would be readily available- meaning we did not say no (in reason) to snacks of fruit. After 2 days we set up a food schedule and "this is no" was not acceptable. You eat what you get. In answer to the question "Banana?" I often respond "do you see bananas on the table?" If it isn't on the table, it isn't an option. This was as much for my sanity as anything. But I do feel the 2 days helped cement the idea- there's enough food now. I am always careful to remember where they are coming from...but always very aware of the slippery slope we will head down if compromise becomes an option. I'd also say...no free reign of the pantry helped us...only mom and dad have access to it in our house.

School. Oh, the debate. You will know. That is all I am going to say.

Cocooning. We didn't but we also didn't go to others' homes or play with very many friends for about 2 months. We would go to the beach, come home. We kept our own little circle but explored public places. Our middle child didn't go to a food store for 2.5 months- our youngest still hasn't. Our oldest has gone food shopping with me on several occasions. You will know. It's also a decision that you can change. If you go out three days and its tragic...stay home three days. We STILL, three months later, sometimes take 2 days to stay home after a very busy week or just because I can tell they need it. It's a lot to take in...America is a pretty crazy place.

Hopefully someone out there finds this helpful! There's no set method as I have learned...just doing what seems right for your children and tweaking the plan as you go along!

If you asked me about adoption...

Our boys have been home almost three months. It seems longer and shorter at the same time. When I repeat the same sentence three times and still get blank stares....it seems shorter. When I see them throw on their shinguards, cleats, and grab their water bottle heading off to a soccer match....it feels longer. So much has changed since they came home....so much is still in transition...so many questions are still unanswered...and so many hearts are still healing.

If we happened to sit down over coffee and chat about adoption...this is what I would tell you.

If you said..Oh, I thought you always wanted to adopt....

No. Don't get me wrong- we had talked about it. The same way you talk about things you might do in the future. Then it got talked about more...then we learned about Ethiopia...and the children...and the waiting children...and then our boys.

If you asked me would I do it again?

This is a tricky question. Something you wouldn't ask a woman as she was being discharged from the hospital post-delivery. As or right now- my heart is very content. Adjusting to five children, meeting all their needs, reaching their hearts on a daily basis...my hands are full and my heart is at peace. Sometimes it wanders to the very many children still waiting...knowing my boys waited for two years and others continue to do so... adoption is a major and life-altering process for all involved- the ethics of each case, the adjustment, the finances....oh it is so worth it...but all of those pieces need to be carefully considered- especially the ethics. What I would say is- there are VERY many ways to get involved in programs, sponsorship programs, etc. that REALLY TRULY help the children of third-world countries- and for now that is something we will continue to seek to be a part of.

If you happened to tell me you have thought about adoption..

I would believe you...and ask you questions. I would assume you have really thought about it- maybe even knew through which country you would enter the process. I might even assume you have prayed about it- and God told you it wasn't for you....or maybe He said it was...

If you happened to tell me you have thought about adopting in ten years...and a baby.

I would honestly without hesitation tell you that there are children waiting now...I would tell you that when you request a baby- in regards to ET adoption- you are likely entering a list at 100+ and waiting for a baby to be born...while other children wait. I am not shy about this anymore. I DO believe we need SOME families waiting for infants...but only for the infants that are available. This may not be what you want to hear...and so then I will say, I'm sorry. This is what I feel strongly about...and I'm sure there are things you feel strongly about...those whose hearts God has softened to the orphan are so needed...

If you happened to tell me you would adopt but you don't have patience...

Oh girl...tell me about it....neither do I. I have a temper...I am impatient...but I have God....and forgiving children.

If you happened to tell me you would adopt but you don't want to disrupt your biological childrens' lives...

I would say...you will...you will disrupt their lives...because they are used to ALL the attention...eating waffles for dinner because they don't like red sauce...getting to choose ALL the books at storytime...choosing which TV show to watch....ok so, your kid's gonna learn to share, eat what you cooked, learn compromise....all good things to master before entering the workforce. Your bio kids are gonna learn the world doesn't revolve around them....and another child is going to have a mother to tuck them in at night- and eat more than one meal a day. 

If you happened to say...I would adopt but my husband doesn't want to...

I would say pray. 

Please know I am not seeking to offend anyone and please understand I know there ARE infants that NEED families...but three months on the other side- three months of watching my children heal...I'm wishing I had gone to coffee with me two years ago...

Everything I need to Know about Life...I learned this summer

Today I caught myself telling the kids, "Well the summer is ending..." and then I bit my tongue and stopped mid-sentence...ending- we still have another month! This summer has been different...amazingly different. When I look back at May, then look at my three new children, I think "did this all really happen in two months?" Every night I say the words...we have come a long way in such a short amount of time. The days go by fast, the weeks fly...it is Friday before I have even grasped Monday. Five kids will keep you busy. And yet, the last nine weeks have seemed like a lifetime of experience, learning, revelations, insight, and self-awareness...

This summer I have learned that God is real. God is present. God speaks to us even when we don't want to listen. I am not one to often (or ever) claim to hear the audible voice of God....but about nine months ago in a Walmart parking lot around 10pm- I cannot deny that in the midst of my turmoil and indecision...I heard him say...He is your son. God is patient...He had already made it clear that these were my children...He had already asked me to go, I hesitated, and so he told me again....and yesterday, my son turned ten. And by God's grace I kissed him good night and told him I love him.

This summer I have learned that my children have been entrusted to me...and are on loan from their heavenly father. I am to advocate for them, to discipline in His love, to raise Godly children who will seek HIS will for their lives...to instill in them the confidence and purpose that He would want for them...they are fragile little beings...and He has given them to me. I am to protect them to the best of my abilities...even when it means going against public opinion...and society's ways.

This summer I have learned that no matter how mean of a mother I feel when I finally collapse on the bed at night...they will love me in the morning. By God's grace, children are designed to unconditionally love. I have also learned that being a mother means unconditionally loving.

This summer I have learned to forego makeup....it's just better when the toddler is supervised.

This summer I have learned to turn a weak meal into a feast with a few chips and salsa on the side.

This summer I have learned to love people I have never met...because they gave life to my children.

This summer I learned that pools are God's gift to a summer afternoon free of sibling rivalry (or as good as it's gonna get).

This summer I learned that membership passes are also a gift from God.

This summer I learned that my husband is the best father my children could have...

This summer I learned that children are resilient....children have a fierce desire to seize life...and overcome.

This summer I learned that bubbles fix everything.

This summer I learned that paper dishes...although not environmentally friendly...are definitely the way to go.

This summer I learned that children can meet the expectations we set for them...

This summer I learned that I will never really know the next direction my life will go...and I'm okay with that.

This summer God released me from the chains of anxiety...

This summer I learned that God is the redeemer of brokenness...

This summer I learned that in the midst of trauma and loss...God still has a plan...

This summer I learned that God seeks our obedience...and when we go...He blesses.

This summer I am in wonder, in awe, often in tears, and overwhelming thankful for a God who once upon a time heard my plans to "marry at 28 and be a career woman" and said..."No." Thankful HIS plans are greater than our plans.

And we still have a month to go...