When normalcy returns...

But the questions begin...and the doubt remains

These past two weeks have been filled with questions...and statements...and glances...and the occasional fearful eyes. Our boys look like any other three kids, sound like any other three kids, fit in like any other three kids. Oh yes, they still have very obvious Ethiopian accents...but English is coming- faster for some than others. We have braved Target twice this week for random items and I have not trembled with fear at the thought of what seeing that much stuff in one place might cause someone to do. Although someone did ask quite loudly if it was okay to eat cotton balls. Normal life is returning...

But normal life does not mean there aren't questions and doubts..."We all Mommy's children?" "I no from your tummy." "We're going back???" Little things that have been misinterpreted and someone is suddenly struck with fear that they are going back to Ethiopia. The realization we are different colors...maternity pictures...baby pictures of Little Man and Little Miss...all of it stirs emotions- raises eyebrows.

My response has been honesty.

Obviously when it comes to color- well- its obvious.
"I want to look like you mommy."
"Oh honey, your skin is such a beautiful brown and I love it so much. Families don't have to look the same...we are still a family."

"Mommy only has two children."
"I have five children, you're right if you are saying you didn't come from my tummy. But you are still my child."

We acknowledge that their birthmother is who gave birth to them... I reassure them that it is okay to have two mommies (birth and adoptive)...that God has plans for our lives and above everything else He is our heavenly father who never forgets about us. I tell them how we came up with their middle names (we kept their ET first names) and remind them we chose each one just for them.

"We're not brothers and sisters."
"You are, in adoption and isn't that the coolest thing ever."
And we role play, and reassure....and then I see it click- and from the kitchen window I see a big brother take Little Miss and gently lift her onto the swing and push her. Giggles fill the backyard...and I continue sweeping the kitchen as if nothing miraculous has occurred.

This is adoption. Where transition seems to end...normal life resumes...the hurt remains...and the healing continues. 

What we did to prepare our home for +3....and what we did while they were sleeping...

In our case, preparing for +3 actually meant moving. For us it was a matter of gender separation for sleeping...as well as room for moving/playing/breathing during the day. We were already tight as a family of four (I know, I know, American materialism) so we knew adding three more might send mommy mentally over the edge. So we moved to a bigger home that allowed the older two boys to share, the little boys to share, and the princess to have her own room. It doesn't HAVE to be this way...it's just what we chose to do.

I often joke with other adoptive mom friends that this is the post nobody writes- how do you prepare your house? So we started with bare rooms (because we had moved). We kept everything as bare as possible...beds, 1 dresser in the big boys room and a couple of baskets in their closet, and 2 rubbermaid drawer sets in the little boys closet for clothes. In reality, our 4 year old wasn't ready for that many clothes. We quickly discovered it was best to put his clothes in our room and provide him one outfit a day. We did that for two weeks and then for two weeks we allowed him to pick his outfit, and then we gradually allowed him to choose two outfits (saving one for the next day in his closet) and eventually moved his clothing back to his room at about two months home. The little boys had NO toys in their room and while they were sleeping one night we removed all the books- as this turned out to be best for our youngest adopted. Our big boys have 2 toy building sets in their room. We kept the walls pretty bare...we added curtains at their request to keep the sun out. In terms of clothing. We provided each child with one drawer of clothing...roughly 5 pairs of shorts and 10 shirts. They share a drawer split down the middle for underwear. They each came home to two pairs of shoes, 1 sandals and 1 slip-ons and we took them out to purchase one pair of sneakers.

Toys toys toys. In our house, they were everywhere. Even though we THOUGHT we had cleaned out a lot- we found it best to remove A LOT of them to the garage one night while they were sleeping. It was WAY too much for what they were used to. We have gradually moved some back in...sometimes allowing them to pick one to bring in and take care of for a week. We found this really taught them how to value possessions and more importantly, how to play with toys. We really found they did not know how to use many of the toys we had. I am convinced toys build upon each other...so therefore if you never had stacking blocks as a six month old- it's unlikely legos make any sense to you. One toy at a time helped them understand the toy, become imaginative, and enjoy it.

I dislike TV. My children do watch it. We chose to have one TV available for watching during certain times of the day. Typically one show in the morning and a movie while our youngest naps in the afternoon (and downtime for mom). We limit TV to these times and this works well for our children.

Food. We allowed 2 days of adjustment...meaning on the first morning home- popcorn and hamburger rolls are what they ate by their choice. We also allowed 2 days of understanding food would be readily available- meaning we did not say no (in reason) to snacks of fruit. After 2 days we set up a food schedule and "this is no" was not acceptable. You eat what you get. In answer to the question "Banana?" I often respond "do you see bananas on the table?" If it isn't on the table, it isn't an option. This was as much for my sanity as anything. But I do feel the 2 days helped cement the idea- there's enough food now. I am always careful to remember where they are coming from...but always very aware of the slippery slope we will head down if compromise becomes an option. I'd also say...no free reign of the pantry helped us...only mom and dad have access to it in our house.

School. Oh, the debate. You will know. That is all I am going to say.

Cocooning. We didn't but we also didn't go to others' homes or play with very many friends for about 2 months. We would go to the beach, come home. We kept our own little circle but explored public places. Our middle child didn't go to a food store for 2.5 months- our youngest still hasn't. Our oldest has gone food shopping with me on several occasions. You will know. It's also a decision that you can change. If you go out three days and its tragic...stay home three days. We STILL, three months later, sometimes take 2 days to stay home after a very busy week or just because I can tell they need it. It's a lot to take in...America is a pretty crazy place.

Hopefully someone out there finds this helpful! There's no set method as I have learned...just doing what seems right for your children and tweaking the plan as you go along!

If you asked me about adoption...

Our boys have been home almost three months. It seems longer and shorter at the same time. When I repeat the same sentence three times and still get blank stares....it seems shorter. When I see them throw on their shinguards, cleats, and grab their water bottle heading off to a soccer match....it feels longer. So much has changed since they came home....so much is still in transition...so many questions are still unanswered...and so many hearts are still healing.

If we happened to sit down over coffee and chat about adoption...this is what I would tell you.

If you said..Oh, I thought you always wanted to adopt....

No. Don't get me wrong- we had talked about it. The same way you talk about things you might do in the future. Then it got talked about more...then we learned about Ethiopia...and the children...and the waiting children...and then our boys.

If you asked me would I do it again?

This is a tricky question. Something you wouldn't ask a woman as she was being discharged from the hospital post-delivery. As or right now- my heart is very content. Adjusting to five children, meeting all their needs, reaching their hearts on a daily basis...my hands are full and my heart is at peace. Sometimes it wanders to the very many children still waiting...knowing my boys waited for two years and others continue to do so... adoption is a major and life-altering process for all involved- the ethics of each case, the adjustment, the finances....oh it is so worth it...but all of those pieces need to be carefully considered- especially the ethics. What I would say is- there are VERY many ways to get involved in programs, sponsorship programs, etc. that REALLY TRULY help the children of third-world countries- and for now that is something we will continue to seek to be a part of.

If you happened to tell me you have thought about adoption..

I would believe you...and ask you questions. I would assume you have really thought about it- maybe even knew through which country you would enter the process. I might even assume you have prayed about it- and God told you it wasn't for you....or maybe He said it was...

If you happened to tell me you have thought about adopting in ten years...and a baby.

I would honestly without hesitation tell you that there are children waiting now...I would tell you that when you request a baby- in regards to ET adoption- you are likely entering a list at 100+ and waiting for a baby to be born...while other children wait. I am not shy about this anymore. I DO believe we need SOME families waiting for infants...but only for the infants that are available. This may not be what you want to hear...and so then I will say, I'm sorry. This is what I feel strongly about...and I'm sure there are things you feel strongly about...those whose hearts God has softened to the orphan are so needed...

If you happened to tell me you would adopt but you don't have patience...

Oh girl...tell me about it....neither do I. I have a temper...I am impatient...but I have God....and forgiving children.

If you happened to tell me you would adopt but you don't want to disrupt your biological childrens' lives...

I would say...you will...you will disrupt their lives...because they are used to ALL the attention...eating waffles for dinner because they don't like red sauce...getting to choose ALL the books at storytime...choosing which TV show to watch....ok so, your kid's gonna learn to share, eat what you cooked, learn compromise....all good things to master before entering the workforce. Your bio kids are gonna learn the world doesn't revolve around them....and another child is going to have a mother to tuck them in at night- and eat more than one meal a day. 

If you happened to say...I would adopt but my husband doesn't want to...

I would say pray. 

Please know I am not seeking to offend anyone and please understand I know there ARE infants that NEED families...but three months on the other side- three months of watching my children heal...I'm wishing I had gone to coffee with me two years ago...

Everything I need to Know about Life...I learned this summer

Today I caught myself telling the kids, "Well the summer is ending..." and then I bit my tongue and stopped mid-sentence...ending- we still have another month! This summer has been different...amazingly different. When I look back at May, then look at my three new children, I think "did this all really happen in two months?" Every night I say the words...we have come a long way in such a short amount of time. The days go by fast, the weeks fly...it is Friday before I have even grasped Monday. Five kids will keep you busy. And yet, the last nine weeks have seemed like a lifetime of experience, learning, revelations, insight, and self-awareness...

This summer I have learned that God is real. God is present. God speaks to us even when we don't want to listen. I am not one to often (or ever) claim to hear the audible voice of God....but about nine months ago in a Walmart parking lot around 10pm- I cannot deny that in the midst of my turmoil and indecision...I heard him say...He is your son. God is patient...He had already made it clear that these were my children...He had already asked me to go, I hesitated, and so he told me again....and yesterday, my son turned ten. And by God's grace I kissed him good night and told him I love him.

This summer I have learned that my children have been entrusted to me...and are on loan from their heavenly father. I am to advocate for them, to discipline in His love, to raise Godly children who will seek HIS will for their lives...to instill in them the confidence and purpose that He would want for them...they are fragile little beings...and He has given them to me. I am to protect them to the best of my abilities...even when it means going against public opinion...and society's ways.

This summer I have learned that no matter how mean of a mother I feel when I finally collapse on the bed at night...they will love me in the morning. By God's grace, children are designed to unconditionally love. I have also learned that being a mother means unconditionally loving.

This summer I have learned to forego makeup....it's just better when the toddler is supervised.

This summer I have learned to turn a weak meal into a feast with a few chips and salsa on the side.

This summer I have learned to love people I have never met...because they gave life to my children.

This summer I learned that pools are God's gift to a summer afternoon free of sibling rivalry (or as good as it's gonna get).

This summer I learned that membership passes are also a gift from God.

This summer I learned that my husband is the best father my children could have...

This summer I learned that children are resilient....children have a fierce desire to seize life...and overcome.

This summer I learned that bubbles fix everything.

This summer I learned that paper dishes...although not environmentally friendly...are definitely the way to go.

This summer I learned that children can meet the expectations we set for them...

This summer I learned that I will never really know the next direction my life will go...and I'm okay with that.

This summer God released me from the chains of anxiety...

This summer I learned that God is the redeemer of brokenness...

This summer I learned that in the midst of trauma and loss...God still has a plan...

This summer I learned that God seeks our obedience...and when we go...He blesses.

This summer I am in wonder, in awe, often in tears, and overwhelming thankful for a God who once upon a time heard my plans to "marry at 28 and be a career woman" and said..."No." Thankful HIS plans are greater than our plans.

And we still have a month to go...

Why We are Homeschooling...

This is the decision my husband and I have been praying about, contemplating, questioning, and analyzing for months (maybe even years). The idea of homeschooling was foreign to me when I met my husband. He, however, was homeschooled until the fifth grade and truly believes in it. Over time, and with the addition of more children, I have definitely seen the benefits of taking the time to learn with your children. After all, I do believe that is what homeschooling is- learning WITH your children. It's about knowing what is being put into their little squishy absorbent minds...and realizing that EVERYTHING they hear they believe whole-heartedly. Who better to make the decision about what they are absorbing but their parents? When Little Man was born I began to consider homeschooling...and as preschool registration rolled around I realized I wasn't ready to send him. Then it rolled around again...and again I failed to register him. I justified it by saying he could learn the same thing at home- we could save money, I didn't want to drag Little Miss out three mornings a week to drop him off and pick him up right smack dab in the middle of her naptime. But as the year went by I began to realize what was really happening....I didn't want to MISS watching him learn. I questioned whether I was being selfish...I still do....but I'm slowly realizing there are better ways to be selfish!

Enter our three newly adopted children. My heart aches at the thought of sending them (just down the street) to school in a few short weeks time. Are they ready? Can they handle making new friends? Will they know to ask for help? Can they find their way to the bathroom and back to class? What will happen if they get really hungry in the middle of the day? These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. I have rationalized away my doubt...and then it has resurfaced. I have questioned my motives...over and over again...but I have failed to find an extreme disservice to homeschooling. They are doing SO SO SO well....and I wonder...with all that they have experienced, with all that they have overcome...is it worth sticking them in a classroom with 20 other students who can likely read, write, and speak in English just for them to be frustrated, struggling to keep up (or catch up), and exhausted by the long day- only to come home to homework. Is it worth them thinking "it's too hard", "I'll never get it", "I'm the only one who can't"? Is it worth them questioning for even a moment whether they can do it...because I am their mother and I know them best- I KNOW THEY CAN. Do they have to "get it" in a school building for it to count?

No, I do not have a teacher's license...my only experience with education is my own schooling...but I LOVE to learn. I LOVE to read and write...to watch the faces on children when they "get it" or when they realize they DO know the answer...and oh boy- do I desire nothing more than to be sitting next to my sons when they read their first sentence! We've missed a lot of their lives...it's not something we harp on...in fact, I think very little about the development and milestones I've missed...but this is ONE thing I can be there for and be a part of...watching them LEARN how to LEARN and love it. I have the ability to teach them to read...a third grade classroom teacher doesn't- she can't- she has 20 other students who need to learn how to write an essay. Unfortunately, even if she wanted to- she cannot take the time with my son that I can.

Am I doing this alone? No. I won't even try to fool you. God has brought us a wonderful "helper" who will be with me during the school hours and helping me to keep the littles out from under my feet. She will also be doing art with them- I will share what they create!

Yes, homeschooling is legal. I am excited about it. I will ask and seek help if I need it. It will not overwhelm me because my main goal will always be allowing my children the time and space to adjust to the HUGE transition they just underwent. We are going to be structured- this is something we have already put into place- we already plan for approximately 1.5 to 2 hrs of school time now- and we will gradually increase over the next four weeks as we begin to implement a curriculum. We will have fun, we will laugh together...and we will have 35 more hours in our week to learn how to be a family, to bond, to build confidence, and to allow our children the comfort, flexibility, and pace that they need to learn. My children have waited two years for a mother...not to go to school. This is not a forever thing...it is a this year thing...and we will re-evaluate as needed.

So, here we go...Rehoboth Academy will remain open for business! 

What He already knew.

I have struggled with how to put into words what I want to share. How do I begin to tell you about the three children I have watched transform before my eyes? How do I explain that when we met our children during our court trip our oldest was experiencing 6-7 brief seizures a day (the type where his eyes fluttered, rolled back and then 15-20 seconds later ended) and since coming home he has had ONE. ONE in 9 weeks...his EEG came back perfectly normal and the neurosurgeon told me I had to leave the office because our son has shown way TOO MUCH improvement for him to be concerned at all. He said- send him a message in six months because he can't wait to hear how great he is doing. How do I begin to tell you the amount of English learned in 9 weeks...the learning letters, shapes, colors? How do I begin to describe the places we have gone...the excitement, the fun, the laughs, the memories?

I have no earthly explanations...I know only one person who knew this situation LONG before we began to have the desire in our hearts...God assured us long before we made any decisions that these were our children...and He is sticking to that story.

Older adopted children carry more trauma, more history, more memories. Older children have likely waited longer....older children have more obstacles to overcome...maybe more questions that need to be answered. But older children also carry a huge amount of HOPE....hope that this is what they have been waiting, dreaming, imagining...that this whole adoption thing really is something better than the walls of the orphanage they have become accustomed to. Older children bring culture to the home...songs, stories, dances...they bring a light in their eye as they discover this new world you are laying out before them. They bring vulnerability....trying to trust that you will not hurt them or leave them and the underlying fear that you might. The hope they have is contagious...

Our three new children have renewed my faith in a God I THOUGHT I knew. They have bonded with our biological children in a way that only God could have known they would...because I was sure wondering on the trip home from the airport! Each day I wonder...WHY did they have to wait two years...and I'm guessing because two years ago- I'm not sure I could have told you where Ethiopia was.  I have to believe there was a purpose to their wait. But I'm also not going to sit here and write you horror stories...there are none. The struggles in my day are no different than any other mother to five kids. I like to say they are my personalized workout. Unfortunately I'm also eating hot dogs and pizza along with them! They fight over who the "prayer person" of the day is...who is going to take out the trash...whose turn it is to pick the movie at rest time..who REALLY left the back door open....and who is going to be Batman today. We artificially twinned...adopted out of birth order...and brought home three older boys....and we are going to survive to our first post-placement visit to tell about it.

The good, the bad, the ugly...

This is the post in which I am going to talk about the thing I thought about the least in regards to bringing home three older children....discipline. Oh, I read the books and the blogs...I knew the ugly that could happen...but in reality, we didn't really have a plan. At this time, I am going to say that without my incredible mother-in-law I am not sure we would be the family we are at seven weeks home. It is one thing to KNOW your child might throw a fit- or a table- when being told "no" to a fifth banana (no, I'm not exaggerating)...but the whole "Honey, I know you are upset..." didn't seem as EFFECTIVE as some books thought it might be when the child is a REAL, LIVE, HURTING individual. So...talking from my very insanely short experience as an adoptive mom- I'm going to share what it was like integrating and stabilizing three newly adopted children into a currently existing family of four. Please know- this post is specifically in regards to stabilizing...I am fully aware my children are just scraping the surface of their hurts.

Now, given I have an education in counseling/psychology and absolutely no field experience other than my ridiculous number of internship hours...to me, this was the case study of a lifetime...so, perhaps I enjoyed it a little more than others might have. In reality, I have never felt closer to God in my entire life...how HE could choose us, to witness this absolutely incredible transformation...I am beyond humbled. How HE could bless me with three children when I was so illy unequipped, such an immature parent (I only had three years experience), with a temper, high level anxiety, and severe lack of patience...oh, is our God a God of redemption.

It only took about oh, 1 day, to realize our toddler style parenting wasn't going to hack it, nor should it have. We are talking about children who sought safety yet became easily angered when told "Oh, honey, jumping from the second story balcony is NOT a good idea!" Hmm...how do you approach that?

Consequences.

For us, we needed to stick to our word...no deviating...if we said it- it happened..I know, I know...this wasn't what the books said...guess what? We didn't do what the books advised...sticking to birth order...yadda yadda yadda. So, it wasn't long before we realized we didn't have TIME to do what the books said...sitting in a time-in for 4 hours of the day while a toddler cooked herself lunch and changed her diaper wasn't realistic. Believe me, we showered them with attention...and stuck to the major theme- It's not about us KNOWING they are safe- it's about THEM feeling safe. For our children- this was knowing that what we said was GOING to happen....safety came from knowing the rules and feeling the boundaries- I am convinced of this...and also being assured 100 times a day that this was FOR REAL and FOREVER. One of their favorite games to play is to tell me they are going to Ethiopia tomorrow...at which point they would like to see me fake cry and beg them to stay. I'm going out on a limb and guessing this conjures up good feelings of being wanted and loved...and that's a game I don't mind playing =)

Our children LOVE a routine. They want to know breakfast is followed 2.5 hrs later by a snack..., lunch, snack, etc. They want to know we do "school" Monday-Friday...what day the trash comes, soccer practice...will we swim at 4pm? Oh yes, we swim everyday at 4pm...why? Because it provides them the safety of knowing what the day will hold. And maybe because losing swimming is motivation?

The first two to three weeks held some tough consequences...every night I could have cried about how horrible of a mother I was...I felt mean...as if I couldn't prove enough to them how much I loved them...how could they feel loved when the day was filled with "if you don't...you won't" and then actually instituting the consequence....how could they know I was doing this so they WOULD be happy...and thriving members of a family? Every night for four weeks my mother-in-law sat with me and reassured me...giving me thumbs up as I handled situations throughout the day...and cleaning my kitchen so that when the last child went to bed- my day was done. She assured me...one mother to five kids can easily become burnt-out...make them the kids you enjoy being around- because ANY kid will take as long as you are willing to give...don't engage in battles you don't need/want to fight...give the consequence, let them make the choice. She was a teacher- can you tell?


Seven weeks later- I send my mother-in-law texts..."You will never believe what so-and so did...All God!" Our beautifully handsome children are mere glimpses of the children we brought home seven weeks ago- and those children were already pretty awesome! We are lucky...we are blessed...we serve a great and awesome God....we serve a God of redemption.

I am a better mother because of His plan...I am BEING refined...my God knew the children I would best parent- by birth and adoption he blessed me with five children who refine me daily and who I can mother only by His grace...and their forgiveness- because I will always fall short...just short enough to where HE can make of the difference. Our God heals...I am watching it everyday...through tears of joy...everyday my children surprise me...we are only beginning...