This is the post in which I am going to talk about the thing I thought about the least in regards to bringing home three older children....discipline. Oh, I read the books and the blogs...I knew the ugly that could happen...but in reality, we didn't really have a plan. At this time, I am going to say that without my incredible mother-in-law I am not sure we would be the family we are at seven weeks home. It is one thing to KNOW your child might throw a fit- or a table- when being told "no" to a fifth banana (no, I'm not exaggerating)...but the whole "Honey, I know you are upset..." didn't seem as EFFECTIVE as some books thought it might be when the child is a REAL, LIVE, HURTING individual. So...talking from my very insanely short experience as an adoptive mom- I'm going to share what it was like integrating and stabilizing three newly adopted children into a currently existing family of four. Please know- this post is specifically in regards to stabilizing...I am fully aware my children are just scraping the surface of their hurts.
Now, given I have an education in counseling/psychology and absolutely no field experience other than my ridiculous number of internship hours...to me, this was the case study of a lifetime...so, perhaps I enjoyed it a little more than others might have. In reality, I have never felt closer to God in my entire life...how HE could choose us, to witness this absolutely incredible transformation...I am beyond humbled. How HE could bless me with three children when I was so illy unequipped, such an immature parent (I only had three years experience), with a temper, high level anxiety, and severe lack of patience...oh, is our God a God of redemption.
It only took about oh, 1 day, to realize our toddler style parenting wasn't going to hack it, nor should it have. We are talking about children who sought safety yet became easily angered when told "Oh, honey, jumping from the second story balcony is NOT a good idea!" Hmm...how do you approach that?
Consequences.
For us, we needed to stick to our word...no deviating...if we said it- it happened..I know, I know...this wasn't what the books said...guess what? We didn't do what the books advised...sticking to birth order...yadda yadda yadda. So, it wasn't long before we realized we didn't have TIME to do what the books said...sitting in a time-in for 4 hours of the day while a toddler cooked herself lunch and changed her diaper wasn't realistic. Believe me, we showered them with attention...and stuck to the major theme- It's not about us KNOWING they are safe- it's about THEM feeling safe. For our children- this was knowing that what we said was GOING to happen....safety came from knowing the rules and feeling the boundaries- I am convinced of this...and also being assured 100 times a day that this was FOR REAL and FOREVER. One of their favorite games to play is to tell me they are going to Ethiopia tomorrow...at which point they would like to see me fake cry and beg them to stay. I'm going out on a limb and guessing this conjures up good feelings of being wanted and loved...and that's a game I don't mind playing =)
Our children LOVE a routine. They want to know breakfast is followed 2.5 hrs later by a snack..., lunch, snack, etc. They want to know we do "school" Monday-Friday...what day the trash comes, soccer practice...will we swim at 4pm? Oh yes, we swim everyday at 4pm...why? Because it provides them the safety of knowing what the day will hold. And maybe because losing swimming is motivation?
The first two to three weeks held some tough consequences...every night I could have cried about how horrible of a mother I was...I felt mean...as if I couldn't prove enough to them how much I loved them...how could they feel loved when the day was filled with "if you don't...you won't" and then actually instituting the consequence....how could they know I was doing this so they WOULD be happy...and thriving members of a family? Every night for four weeks my mother-in-law sat with me and reassured me...giving me thumbs up as I handled situations throughout the day...and cleaning my kitchen so that when the last child went to bed- my day was done. She assured me...one mother to five kids can easily become burnt-out...make them the kids you enjoy being around- because ANY kid will take as long as you are willing to give...don't engage in battles you don't need/want to fight...give the consequence, let them make the choice. She was a teacher- can you tell?
Seven weeks later- I send my mother-in-law texts..."You will never believe what so-and so did...All God!" Our beautifully handsome children are mere glimpses of the children we brought home seven weeks ago- and those children were already pretty awesome! We are lucky...we are blessed...we serve a great and awesome God....we serve a God of redemption.
I am a better mother because of His plan...I am BEING refined...my God knew the children I would best parent- by birth and adoption he blessed me with five children who refine me daily and who I can mother only by His grace...and their forgiveness- because I will always fall short...just short enough to where HE can make of the difference. Our God heals...I am watching it everyday...through tears of joy...everyday my children surprise me...we are only beginning...
Now, given I have an education in counseling/psychology and absolutely no field experience other than my ridiculous number of internship hours...to me, this was the case study of a lifetime...so, perhaps I enjoyed it a little more than others might have. In reality, I have never felt closer to God in my entire life...how HE could choose us, to witness this absolutely incredible transformation...I am beyond humbled. How HE could bless me with three children when I was so illy unequipped, such an immature parent (I only had three years experience), with a temper, high level anxiety, and severe lack of patience...oh, is our God a God of redemption.
It only took about oh, 1 day, to realize our toddler style parenting wasn't going to hack it, nor should it have. We are talking about children who sought safety yet became easily angered when told "Oh, honey, jumping from the second story balcony is NOT a good idea!" Hmm...how do you approach that?
Consequences.
For us, we needed to stick to our word...no deviating...if we said it- it happened..I know, I know...this wasn't what the books said...guess what? We didn't do what the books advised...sticking to birth order...yadda yadda yadda. So, it wasn't long before we realized we didn't have TIME to do what the books said...sitting in a time-in for 4 hours of the day while a toddler cooked herself lunch and changed her diaper wasn't realistic. Believe me, we showered them with attention...and stuck to the major theme- It's not about us KNOWING they are safe- it's about THEM feeling safe. For our children- this was knowing that what we said was GOING to happen....safety came from knowing the rules and feeling the boundaries- I am convinced of this...and also being assured 100 times a day that this was FOR REAL and FOREVER. One of their favorite games to play is to tell me they are going to Ethiopia tomorrow...at which point they would like to see me fake cry and beg them to stay. I'm going out on a limb and guessing this conjures up good feelings of being wanted and loved...and that's a game I don't mind playing =)
Our children LOVE a routine. They want to know breakfast is followed 2.5 hrs later by a snack..., lunch, snack, etc. They want to know we do "school" Monday-Friday...what day the trash comes, soccer practice...will we swim at 4pm? Oh yes, we swim everyday at 4pm...why? Because it provides them the safety of knowing what the day will hold. And maybe because losing swimming is motivation?
The first two to three weeks held some tough consequences...every night I could have cried about how horrible of a mother I was...I felt mean...as if I couldn't prove enough to them how much I loved them...how could they feel loved when the day was filled with "if you don't...you won't" and then actually instituting the consequence....how could they know I was doing this so they WOULD be happy...and thriving members of a family? Every night for four weeks my mother-in-law sat with me and reassured me...giving me thumbs up as I handled situations throughout the day...and cleaning my kitchen so that when the last child went to bed- my day was done. She assured me...one mother to five kids can easily become burnt-out...make them the kids you enjoy being around- because ANY kid will take as long as you are willing to give...don't engage in battles you don't need/want to fight...give the consequence, let them make the choice. She was a teacher- can you tell?
Seven weeks later- I send my mother-in-law texts..."You will never believe what so-and so did...All God!" Our beautifully handsome children are mere glimpses of the children we brought home seven weeks ago- and those children were already pretty awesome! We are lucky...we are blessed...we serve a great and awesome God....we serve a God of redemption.
I am a better mother because of His plan...I am BEING refined...my God knew the children I would best parent- by birth and adoption he blessed me with five children who refine me daily and who I can mother only by His grace...and their forgiveness- because I will always fall short...just short enough to where HE can make of the difference. Our God heals...I am watching it everyday...through tears of joy...everyday my children surprise me...we are only beginning...
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